One of my exes has kind of wiggled his way slightly back into my life and pronounced that he “still has feelings” for me… and “always has”.
I pretty much don’t feel the same… anymore.
It was 6 years ago that we broke up and I was so fucking devastated (despite the break-up being mutual) at the time that I honestly felt like I was going to die (And I think part of me did). For a while back then I would never have believed that I would ever get over him and actually survive without him.
But looking back, our relationship was dysfunctional. He was possessive and controlling. He used to get me drunk to have sex.
Just thinking about being with him now makes me feel sick and trapped.
Yet, part of me asks “why not? There’s no other opportunities presenting itself” and everyone I know is either married, getting married, or well into creating a stable family. It is the stupidest thought ever, but it’s taking everything in me to follow my gut that is telling me not to go there again.
Who would have thought self respect would be so hard!?
this is about what i want.
and this is what i want.
right or wrong,
this is what i will do.
says my eating disorder to the girl at work constantly talking about diets, exercise, weight and weight loss.
I’m fed up after months and months and months and months of it.
And while I’m sure as hell not relapsing just to spite her, it doesn’t stop my eating disorder from feeling proud that it can beat her at weight loss and pain and self-destruction.
But deep down, within my healthy mind, I know that this doesn’t make me stronger than anyone. I only become weaker for giving in to the eating disorder.
I don’t win at all. I lose.. so much.. and already have.
I’m alive, but I’ve begun to die again.
It was only less than a month ago when I found myself thinking how wonderfully I was doing, how far I had come, and how much I had changed my thoughts and grown into myself.
I actually felt alive again.
I was really healthy.
Then I don’t even know what happened. I feel as though I became all narcissistic-y and twisted my realisation into an I’m-so-good-but-the-world-and-everybody-in-it-is-so-unbelievably-horrible afterthought. And so I guess all the negative thinking has totally burnt me out and all I want to do is starve myself, deprive myself, and destruct myself.
It doesn’t make sense at all, I know.
But everything is becoming darker again. I’m not sure how to stop it because I don’t know what happened for things to change to be like this again. I can’t think differently because nothing is the same as it was.
UGH I don’t know how to express myself.
Behaviours are deteriorating fast, and it’s been way too easy to slip this far backwards in such a small amount of time, I only worry where I could end up taking myself with this.
i try to vanish. slowly, i disappear, and begin to fade. i push the limit sometimes, to test how far i can go before people start to notice that i’m gone. sometimes i think that it wouldn’t even matter.
because i’m self-destructing.
and if this is what feels most right, then it must be what i’m supposed to do.
i’d go to the moon and back for anyone about anything, but i’m unworthy of a single thought or consideration.
yeah, that seems to be the general rule of life.
and i’ll admit that i’ve never been the best at communicating my needs or wants, which has contributed to part of the problem at times.
but the thing is, if you have to ask someone to think of you, to consider you or to care about you on the most basic level, then is it actually genuine in the end? shouldn’t they want to to begin with?
this is what hurts me the most about the world.