suicide is not selfish.
what is selfish is every c#nt of a person treating every other person in the shitty ways that they do.
i’ve put myself through 27 years of unnecessary suffering (i.e. life), secretly wishing that i would find a trace of hope within human kind; trying to understand people and their horrible ways, forgiving them of them over and over again.
don’t tell me that it’s selfish that i don’t want to be part of it any longer. for the sake of who? every selfish bastard out there? what a joke.
this is exactly why i don’t let people get close.
i keep it there, just in case – my eating disorder. Even when I’m happy. Because disappointment and loss are facts of life so they’re bound to happen. Only, I don’t bounce back like normal people do. I die, more and more.
So it’s always there – just in case – to catch me and break my fall.
No, you’re not.
And I understand that you’re not lying. You don’t actually know that you can’t be here for me. You don’t know what it involves, so you’re not even aware of the monstrosity that you’re promising me right now.
Even if you knew, I could never allow you to be here for me. Because I would say things like, “I want to be dead now,” in all seriousness, and there would be absolutely nothing that you could say to me to make me feel better or want any differently, despite your best efforts.
You would feel helpless. And I would feel worse because it would only justify my feelings of hopelessness.
because it hurts like you can’t understand.
But you shouldn’t ever have to try.
and helping the process along.
Because it feels right.
It really does.
maybe i want to starve and binge and purge
maybe i want to be eternally numb
maybe it all makes me happy and the only problem is that everyone else around me tells me that it doesn’t
but maybe i actually am happy and they just can’t understand how