get me out
Posted: Tuesday, May 21st, 2013 Filed under: Depression | Tags: Depression, humankind, Selfish, Suicidal ideation 1 Comment »suicide is not selfish.
what is selfish is every c#nt of a person treating every other person in the shitty ways that they do.
i’ve put myself through 27 years of unnecessary suffering (i.e. life), secretly wishing that i would find a trace of hope within human kind; trying to understand people and their horrible ways, forgiving them of them over and over again.
don’t tell me that it’s selfish that i don’t want to be part of it any longer. for the sake of who? every selfish bastard out there? what a joke.
FORGET IT.
Posted: Friday, May 17th, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized 3 Comments »this is exactly why i don’t let people get close.
the pain.
the crying.
the craziness.
Just in case
Posted: Saturday, April 6th, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Coping mechanism, Depression, Disappointment, Eating disorder, Emotions, Fear, Happy, Loss, Safety 2 Comments »i keep it there, just in case – my eating disorder. Even when I’m happy. Because disappointment and loss are facts of life so they’re bound to happen. Only, I don’t bounce back like normal people do. I die, more and more.
So it’s always there – just in case – to catch me and break my fall.
“I’m here for you”
Posted: Friday, April 5th, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Alone, Black Hole, Dark, Death, Depression, Empty promise, Hopelessness, Suicide 12 Comments »No, you’re not.
And I understand that you’re not lying. You don’t actually know that you can’t be here for me. You don’t know what it involves, so you’re not even aware of the monstrosity that you’re promising me right now.
Even if you knew, I could never allow you to be here for me. Because I would say things like, “I want to be dead now,” in all seriousness, and there would be absolutely nothing that you could say to me to make me feel better or want any differently, despite your best efforts.
You would feel helpless. And I would feel worse because it would only justify my feelings of hopelessness.
Pushing you away
Posted: Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013 Filed under: Depression, eating disorder | Tags: Alone, Burden, Care, Depression, Distance, Downer, Eating disorder, Love, Mental Health, Relationships 4 Comments »because it hurts like you can’t understand.
But you shouldn’t ever have to try.
Watching it all slip through my fingers
Posted: Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Anxiety, Boyfriend, Depression, Eating disorder, Friends, Happiness, Life, Self Destruction, Work 1 Comment »and helping the process along.
Because it feels right.
It really does.
maybe
Posted: Sunday, March 31st, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Binge, Eating disorder, Happiness, perspective, Purge, Restriction 1 Comment »maybe i want to starve and binge and purge
maybe i want to be eternally numb
maybe it all makes me happy and the only problem is that everyone else around me tells me that it doesn’t
but maybe i actually am happy and they just can’t understand how
