It hurts to hear

Every noise is like the scratch of fingernails against a blackboard. It sends waves of emotion through my body. Emotion that makes my blood boil. Emotion that feels as though is piercing through the walls of my heart and bleeding me to death.

I’m going fucking crazy. I can’t even explain. I’m right there on the edge. Between what and what, I don’t know, which is what I’m terrified about. I’m trying my hardest to sit with it but… I just can’t for much longer. It physically hurts.


2 Comments on “It hurts to hear”

  1. Kirk Rehn says:

    I know the feeling. I always reached for pills when it happened, so i applaud you for trying to sit with it. Now, I try and let the emotions run through me and pass back out. As DBT taught, stay present in the moment by simply naming your feelings, not describing. Thoughts affect emotion affect feeling. Change the thought patterns and behavioral change comes about naturally.

    Anyways, enough psych talk. Sorry to hear things are tough but happy you’re making it through. Stay strong, you can bear it.

    • Thanks.. I’m trying. I fucking hate DBT (for many irrational reasons, but mostly) because it hurts so much. Necessary pain, I know. Yet I STILL can’t completely trust that none of it can kill me… literally kill me. Either that, or that my emotions will make me lose control and I’ll wind up committing homocide. OR I’ll just lose my shit completely and fall apart, unable to participate in society forevermore.

      I can see how irrational it is but the fear just has such control over me so I still desperately cling to the idea that I can contain and control everything. WRONG. I guess I’m trying to expose myself little by little (or HUGE BY HUGE depending on which way you look at it) even just by decreasing the frequency of acting on urges. it’s just so hard.

      Good for you deciding to give up the pills!… and for reaching a more accepting stance on your emotions. That’s huge and you should be so proud of your work πŸ™‚

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