The only thing that makes you truly safe from mePosted: Tuesday, June 19th, 2012
“I am not afraid of him. He does not scare me,” she says.
Although I don’t say it, I’m hugely relieved.
I am so thankful that I have finally found someone who knows that he won’t actually harm them. Someone who is comfortable and confident enough in themselves to have his hurtful words and threats wash off them like water and wax, rather than let it penetrate them into a state of hurt and fear.
I can’t tell you how much I need someone like this.
And although I worry a lot of the time, I think that it’s true that he probably won’t ever physically hurt anybody else. Not anybody other than myself, because, through his eyes I am to blame for everything, no matter what. And that’s why I’m terrified of him. Because he can hurt me and he does hurt me – for punishment… for gratification… for whatever damned reason he wants. He has the ability to hurt me because he is me and I am him; we are one.
And when things are so intense – so intense that he wants to hurt somebody else (other than me) so badly – there are enough of us to convince him not to. We do so by diverting the blame to ourselves so that he thinks that we are the ones at fault and deserve the punishment rather than anybody else. We cop the blame and what comes of it for the sake of ourselves. Because when he lashes out inappropriately, it’s not him that receives the consequences of his actions, but us.
We would rather be punished by him for nothing than be punished by society for nothing.