The only thing that makes you truly safe from me

“I am not afraid of him. He does not scare me,” she says.

Although I don’t say it, I’m hugely relieved.

I am so thankful that I have finally found someone who knows that he won’t actually harm them. Someone who is comfortable and confident enough in themselves to have his hurtful words and threats wash off them like water and wax, rather than let it penetrate them into a state of hurt and fear.

I can’t tell you how much I need someone like this.

And although I worry a lot of the time, I think that it’s true that he probably won’t ever physically hurt anybody else. Not anybody other than myself, because, through his eyes I am to blame for everything, no matter what. And that’s why I’m terrified of him. Because he can hurt me and he does hurt me – for punishment… for gratification… for whatever damned reason he wants. He has the ability to hurt me because he is me and I am him; we are one.

And when things are so intense – so intense that he wants to hurt somebody else (other than me) so badly – there are enough of us to convince him not to. We do so by diverting the blame to ourselves so that he thinks that we are the ones at fault and deserve the punishment rather than anybody else. We cop the blame and what comes of it for the sake of ourselves. Because when he lashes out inappropriately, it’s not him that receives the consequences of his actions, but us.

We would rather be punished by him for nothing than be punished by society for nothing.


2 Comments on “The only thing that makes you truly safe from me”

  1. artyelf says:

    Hmmm . . . I’m a little scared to comment on this.
    Other than to say I have had very similar conversations.
    But when I hear it coming from you, I think,
    ‘That’s not fair. She shouldn’t have to feel this way. All the self-blame and punishments.
    That’s JUST NOT FAIR!’
    You are worthy of better my friend.
    You deserve to treat yourself well.
    And you deserve to feel safe in your own skin.
    Cling to the one who is not scared of ‘him’, nurture and honour yourself.
    Take special care, Elyn ♡

  2. Kirk Rehn says:

    Cut and run! My last relationship was abusive, and i would never wish that on, anyone. Whether you’re talking, about a boyfriend, a friend or another side if your self, it is time to let it go. Now, with that being said, if you only imagine he may harm you because of how close you’ve gotten, that is a trust issue on your part. Learn to be ok letting your guard down. Lord knows it can go back up easily enough. Learn to embrace another and expect as comforting embrace back, not manipulation or punishment. It sounds like you want the attention and occasional compassion so badly that you’re willing to put up with the abuse. After all, negative attention is still attention.

    So figure out for yourself whether this guy is is simply getting too close for comfort, scaring you into reading hid actions as menacing, or whether he truly is abusive, even some of the time. You deserve better than the cold comfort of a slap across the face. Stand up for yourself and all that you’ve accomplished and find someone worthy of being called a friend.

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