“I will fix you”

I’m artificially fixing myself with self-destruction: drugs, starvation and no sleep. I’m holding the torn bits back together with tape, if you will. It works enough to fool myself and enough to fool the world. The cracks are there, as obvious as broad daylight, but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life, it’s that people will turn a blind eye.

I couldn’t give a shit about my weight or appearance. I’m always the same monster despite the body I hide behind. This is about my insides. This is about the filthy fragility that presents itself when health dominates my body. This is about what falls apart and becomes exposed when people get past my body and into my mind, digging for the root of fragmentation, fragmenting me further in the process. I flake off and fly into the night.

For some, this is about control, but for me I prefer the word adhesion. The numbness that keeps me bound. No one can tear me apart and nothing can break me. Numb I may be, but numb I am as one. I fly into the night, complete, and watch the world fade behind me.

6 Comments on ““I will fix you””

  1. L. says:

    “I want to tell you something which may not make any sense. But I should say it just so that one day, you might remember it, and maybe it will make you feel better.

    At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are… especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. you will say to yourself ‘but I am this person.’ and in that statement, that correction, there will be a kind of love.” -phoebe in wonderland [mrs dodger]

    and now something that helps me every single day… because it is one of the things that keep me here; hurting in so many ways than one. ways that people have stopped watching… ways that i just want everyone to understand…
    lights will guide you home and ignite your bones; and i will try to fix you.

    i want you to know that your soul is just simply beautiful and fragile and alive. your soul; she wants out. she is tired of being numb, she is tired of the lies, she is tired of dying a little bit more each day.

    i know this is all easier said than done.
    i have faith in you that you can make it out; that you will stay afloat. that lights will guide you home.

    i recommend watching the movie phoebe in wonderland… it is a beautiful movie.
    you will stay afloat. i know it.

    • Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and encouraging comment. It is so lovely and made me feel so alive with emotion 🙂 I’m definitely going to have a watch of Phoebe in Wonderland, thanks for the suggestion. xo

  2. Bourbon says:

    An odd post to ‘like’ but you write so well I just had to x

  3. dramajunkiee says:

    I absolutely relate to this post on self destruction and control – thx for sharing

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