To be stagnant.

Time around me is ticking and tocking, but the time within me has stopped. I am frozen within a single, chaotic frame of time.

I always imagined stagnancy to be tranquil, but it seems that I was so wrong. I am suspended in a fixed state of turbulence.

I…
I…. I…..
Never mind.

No, go on. Finish your thought.

But I already did.

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Hello?Hello?Hello?Hello?Hello?No,goneforgood.

Every.single.thing is
w a  s   t    i     n        g          a            w                 a                      y
just as I physically DON’T.

How do you grow from nothing?

Please tell me, do miracles happen?

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

You know they don’t.

Help me.


What’s Wrong With The World, II

We* live in a time of self-righteousness, where apparently our own protection and dignity is of uttermost importance in a fuck-the-world kind of way. We dare not admit when we’re wrong for fear that there will be consequences (and rightly so) for our wrongdoings. We don’t ever apologise because it would be admitting that we were wrong to begin with. Instead, we hide the facts, replace them with falsities and defend ourselves to the end, no matter what. We have no mercy, no compassion, no empathy for our victims (accidental or not), trampling them and everyone around them even flatter to the ground.

Trigger Warning: This video reports content relating to mental illness, self-harm, suicide, death.

*I use the term ‘we’ loosely. I would hope that I’d NEVER be this way (I’d rather be killed than told that I am). And I would hope you wouldn’t either.


“So I can feel happier. To be safe up here with you.”


What’s Wrong With The World, I

A female can’t walk down the street without at least one car load of males hanging out of the windows like dogs while driving past, yelling at her as a desperate bid for her attention.


My swiss cheese trust

“No, it’s not unusual that there are so many gaps. But usually, with time, these gaps become filled. What is unusual is that as time continues to pass, your incapability to fill in those gaps is revealed. What do you make of that?”

I think it’s hard for me fill in the gaps. It’s hard for me to fill them in for me, but especially for you. I think I’ve spent my entire life barricading the perimeters of these gaps just so they can never be filled. Not to be filled by me, and especially not by you. I think it keeps me apart from myself and from others – far, far apart – and I think that suits me well because I don’t know trust.


“So pleased with a daydream that now living is no good.” (Lime Tree, Bright Eyes)

Every night I struggle to get to sleep knowing that when I wake it will be another day. When I finally get to sleep, I struggle to wake up knowing that the new day has come.

(Close your eyes,
Fall back to sleep,
And waste your life away –
far, far away from life.)