i died. no, i was born.

things have changed and i can’t be who i was.

i am not her,
she is gone,
and i am as ‘fine’ as every person that walks by.

i push it all down and
i deny,
i deny,
i deny.
i sweep it, right back under,
never to ever exist again.

everything in life never happened before now;

i am born,
i am new,
she has died.

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6 Comments on “i died. no, i was born.”

  1. Sometimes when we are ‘reborn’ it is a positive thing. The person I used to be is not who I would still wish to be today. We all ‘die’ symbolically when something in our life ends-be that a person’s physical death or departure, or an end of a period in our lives. The important thing is to look at where we are now and not dwell in the past or live for a future not yet here. As Jon Kabbit-Zinn says “we have only moments to live”. Those moments can be extinguished or they can be extended for many years. How we spend those moments is important because we can’t get them back.

    Do you see your ‘former’ self as someone you would like to be again? Is that why you grieve for who you once were?

    I know, I get too philosophical sometimes. I am sorry you’re hurting.

    • yeah, you’re right. sometimes it is a good thing. and my ‘former’ self isn’t someone i particularly want to be, but it’s real. i’m not really sure how to explain what i mean in words. i just feel like i’m pretending/living in denial/behind a mask again which is okay at the moment, but i know from past experiences that when time catches up on me and i can’t keep up the act any longer, it wont be okay at all. but it’s all that i can do because i can’t find the help that i need. and i think that’s why i grieve, because my old self had some hope (as little as it may have been) whereas who i am now is entirely hopeless.

      thanks for your comment. xo

      • Entirely hopeless? That is a dismal state to be in šŸ˜¦ Surely you have a tiny bit of hope left? Hope is hard to find when grieving or depressed though, I do know that. I just wish you had something to hope for. Do you have pets that rely on you? or nieces/nephews? If we have someone else who needs us that can help. Even if you just had a fish or hamster you’d have to take care of him or her. That would be a good reason to keep going.
        Could you take a course at college and look forward to its completion? That might provide some hope for you. Sometimes you can take part in free courses put on by your public library. Or you can where I live. I imagine most public libraries offer similar activities. Maybe something would be of interest to you there. Again, you could feel accomplishment upon completion.

        At the risk of sounding cheesy or what-have-you, you could try a gratitude journal. It might spark some interest and you may find yourself thinking of something while writing that provides hope.

        Are you interested in meditation or yoga? If you joined a group you’d meet lots of other people interested in being healthy. Maybe their optimism would rub off!

        Alright, I won’t keep going here lest you become irritated at my attempts to ‘cheer you up’.

        Namaste

  2. I have such empathy for your suffering. I have a son with DID and a daughter who becomes dissociative during PTSD episodes. It is heart-wrenching to watch, and I cannot being to imagine the pain they are in.
    I wish you luck with your journey.


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