“We keep coming back to this meaning that I lack.”

My body is shaking and my heart is going so fast that it feels like one continuous, violent beat.

If I could just turn down the volume, slow my thoughts, I wouldn’t be half as anxious as I feel right now.

But the what-if’s have made their way into the dimensions of my mind and they bounce from wall to wall in an attempt to find their way back out.

Bounce… Echo,
Bounce… Echo –
they don’t want to be there any more than I want them there. I can hear it in their scream.

And with each breath I breed another parasitic thought, living off whatever little self-esteem I’ve left.

It’s impossible to believe in yourself when you don’t believe in yourself. I see no in-between.

Surely I am, or I’m not.
And I’m not.
And I’m not.
And I’m not.

And it’s black or it’s white, or it’s black or it’s white, and that’s all that it can be.

3 Comments on ““We keep coming back to this meaning that I lack.””

  1. aallegoric says:

    Your writing is always so powerful. And I think that’s why I personally think that you are. You are and you are not you aren’t.

  2. safe hugs, thinking of you as you struggle xo

  3. Kim says:

    It’s so hard when everything seems so apposite. I can’t tell you how to fix it so that you can see the full spectrum of colours between black and white again, but I can tell you that your creativity helps them to shine out of each and every post. So, I have to concur with Aalegoric … I think you definitely are 🙂

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