Just in case

i keep it there, just in case – my eating disorder. Even when I’m happy. Because disappointment and loss are facts of life so they’re bound to happen. Only, I don’t bounce back like normal people do. I die, more and more.

So it’s always there – just in case – to catch me and break my fall.


“I’m here for you”

No, you’re not.

And I understand that you’re not lying. You don’t actually know that you can’t be here for me. You don’t know what it involves, so you’re not even aware of the monstrosity that you’re promising me right now.

Even if you knew, I could never allow you to be here for me. Because I would say things like, “I want to be dead now,” in all seriousness, and there would be absolutely nothing that you could say to me to make me feel better or want any differently, despite your best efforts.

You would feel helpless. And I would feel worse because it would only justify my feelings of hopelessness.

Pushing you away

because it hurts like you can’t understand.

But you shouldn’t ever have to try.

Watching it all slip through my fingers

and helping the process along. 

Because it feels right.

It really does.