Who am I?

I have no idea who I am, or who I’ve become. My self concept is not at all solid. My identity feels fragmented, and I do not relate to being whole or one. Most of the time it is who I am not which is much more relevant.

Emotions are my nemesis. I spend my entire life avoiding emotional experience, ignoring the presence of my emotions, denying my emotions any acknowledgment, and pushing the emotions back down.

Welcome to my madness. It’s nice to feel less alone.


39 Comments on “Who am I?”

  1. Lexi says:

    This makes me so sad! Just wanted to let you know that I am reading. Thinking about you. Much love.

    • sorry about the sadness. unintentional, i promise! actually, it’s bizarre to think that someone can feel anything at all about it when i can’t feel a thing.

      thanks for your comment. your company means a lot πŸ™‚

  2. exteriorvision says:

    I think you have many reasons to be happy, just turn on the news. We are programmed to be strong and overcome the sad with happiness .

    Stay strong x

  3. WondreWoman says:

    Hey, I get ya. And we aren’t meant to behave or feel one way or another, but we are meant to feel. Numbness is a feeling too. Emotions are what make us unique and what makes life more palpable.
    Feeling horrible can make feeling happy increasingly better, but you can’t get to happy without passing through all the other feelings.
    It’s a journey. We are on all it. I’m passing through a storm.
    Anytime you want to chat, you know my page πŸ˜‰

    • Thanks of your comment.

      You’re so right. Some feelings aren’t pleasant at all, but I’ve learnt the hard way that I can’t block one without blocking them all. Life just doesn’t work that way. They will naturally happen and the more I try to control them, the more my life spins out of control.

      There are a lot of myths and misconceptions about feelings, especially for those we have been taught to think of as “bad emotions”. It’s a societal thing and it’s a shame. Sometimes I watch the emotional honesty of young children and see pure emotions felt and expressed. I wonder why people think emotions are age appropriate – something we should grow out of. They’ve got it so wrong.

  4. natashart says:

    Hi. I admire the courage of your posts.

  5. I get you. 10000000000000000000000000%.
    And then another 100%.
    Funny you have names for the various states…me too.
    “The Dungeon.” (the place we hate but stay because what’s up the stairs and out the door is way too scary., and we’ve become accustomed to the dark and damp dungeon.)
    “The Bemon.” Duh. The devil in the toilet.
    “Leave the room.” When my spirit goes flying out of my body and leaves the shell to deal with what’s there.
    “The cave.” Where I go when I simply can’t deal, and have shut down. Either from pain OR happiness. All the same……”
    I’m looking forward to comparing words.
    The Cockroach (that’s me.) πŸ˜‰

  6. Gary says:

    That type of dynamic initiated by my father (no dead) between sister and me created huge problems for me. Sister is the hero and still playing that role. I’ve self injured myself so much because of it. I hope it goes better for u. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad I’m not alone.

  7. I know what your saying. I feel so “checked out” because I just don’t wanna deal.

    • exactly where I’m at too. Obviously it serves its purpose, but I find it causes more harm than good. Only problem now is that it’s become such a ‘habit’ (for lack of better word) – an automatic reaction, without any thought or control (though some would argue that it’s NOT beyond my control). I’m sorry you feel so unsafe, needing to “check out”. I hope things can shifts for you soon so you can be fully present and enjoy your life to the full.

  8. Lem Usita says:

    From an identity formation perspective, you’re right where you should be – in the formation of identity. Sounds like you’re either in Identity Diffusion or Identity Moratorium. Looking forward to reading your posts. If you need more insight into the gibberish – I can try and give you some feedback. Thanks for writing this.

  9. Eki Akhwan says:

    One can learn much from your stories. I hope you can learn as much by writing them and get over the negativity that seems to have pulled you down. You can do it. πŸ™‚

    Thanks for liking my post.

    • Thank you! That is so very kind of you to say. I know that I’m learning a lot more, writing… trying to get things out in words is something I struggle immensely with so it’s kind of one of the steps between existing solely within my head and being able to participate in life and engage with people to the fullest of my potential… hopefully.


  10. vickifoy says:

    Thanks for the like! Please know that your sharing will touch many people who have endured the same struggle as you. I hope you are able to find yourself among your words and are finally able to feel all the emotions life can offer! πŸ˜‰

  11. The Quiet Borderline says:

    I’m very happy to have come across your blog.

    I wish you the very best and look forward to reading more in the future.

  12. artyelf says:

    Glad you stumbled on my page, it lead me to yours.
    I hear you, your words are clear and strong, and carry real meaning.
    You do not walk this path alone, I am a sister fragmenter.
    Take care, Nell

  13. […] https://witheringtulip.wordpress.com/about/: Another blogger who is open and honest with her struggles and triumphs in life. […]

  14. Subhan Zein says:

    Hello my friend Witheringtulip,

    Thank you for visiting my blog. And thank you for following my blog as well; I really appreciate it. Hope my blog doesn’t disappoint you and that you have a joyful ride in each of your visits there.. πŸ™‚
    Have a lovely day and thank you again! πŸ™‚

    Subhan Zein

  15. brandic32 says:

    Hi withering tulip. I’m inviting you to play tag if you want to play. It’s fun- you simply answer a few random questions that I came up with and then tag people yourself. Please don’t feel obligated to do it though, it’s only for fun!

    Read more about it here:


  16. i.d says:

    Love the quote:

    “I sat watching a flower as it was withering. I was embarrassed by its honesty.” ― Bright Eyes

    Look foward to witnessing parts of your journey hopefully can share insights as we make discoveries in our own worlds.

  17. I don’t know what you have been through but I am so sorry for what ever happened. I have read some of your posts and your words just draw me in. If I can find the follow button i look forward to following.

  18. Jaen Wirefly says:

    You’ve probably spent the good part of your life in emotional distress which is why you prefer numbness to experiencing. If everyday you wake up and experience something that makes you feel sad or afraid you’ll learn to cope in ways that will keep you alive but not necessarily happy. The goal is to being to find ways to cope with emotions that in the past ruined your life. It’s no easy task. One I battle everyday. But with support, meditation and continuing to search for meaning it will get easier. Hugs πŸ˜‰

  19. Hi, I’ve nominated you for an award πŸ™‚


    There’s no pressure at all to participate. Just thought you deserved the nomination.

  20. reflectionsonlifethusfar says:

    Hi, I understand your ‘gibberish’ because it is actually something many people go through but can’t express as eloquently as you have. Dissociation is a funny thing in an ironic way, no? It serves a purpose when we can’t change our circumstances then hangs around long after it’s needed. Too bad it drags us down once we are far from the original source of our pain creating new forms of pain on top of the old.

    Have you ever seen anyone to talk about any of what you share with us through this blog? I started therapy at 18 and basically spent an entire decade trying to ‘sort myself out’. Happily, I’m a lot closer to that place now than I was at 18. I hope you can reach a place like that too. It has greatly improved my outlook on life. The practice of ‘mindfulness meditation’ was also immensely helpful.


  21. onwindydays says:

    You know, sometimes it’s good to let the emotions out. But I do understand what you mean. Being numb all the time…however time is definitely a good healer.

  22. Claudia says:

    The numbing and running away from emotions sounds familiar to me. So, I can relate to the dissociation and feeling not quit all there and unreal. In the past couple of years, I’m learning to feel the emotions. This feeling is not easy. I’m feeling more than I use to. Be patient with yourself. The way I see it it’s almost like the emotions are another thing to be phobic about. And phobias take some time to overcome, especially if they have been with you for years. Be patient with yourself.

  23. aallegoric says:

    I’ve nominated you for the lovely blog award because I really like your blog and I’d just like to show you my appreciation. Don’t feel forced to do anything though. It’s just a little treat.
    You can check it out here: http://alwaysallegoric.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/lovely-blog-award/

  24. i’m thinking of you and i hope you’re okay! xo

  25. Subhan Zein says:

    If 2012 for you was withering tulips,
    I hope 2013 is blossoming roses.

    Take care, many blessings and much love to you. πŸ™‚

    Subhan Zein

  26. Missing you, how are you doing?

  27. itbegins12 says:

    This is a painfully honest piece. I wish you nothing but health and happiness and I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll get there. When times get really bad, just remember that you’re not alone in this mess. I can completely relate. You are splendid. ❀ *hugs*

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