Pushing you away

because it hurts like you can’t understand.

But you shouldn’t ever have to try.


Tomorrow never comes

I know I shouldn’t, but I want to so I do And they’re playing tug-o-war in my mind, again And I feel as though I’m being torn in to two And I say, “tomorrow will be different” And “tomorrow I’ll get back on track”

And then tomorrow comes but tomorrow doesn’t come


by talk of calories and diets and weight loss.

And surrounded by walking skeletons who are



thinner than I.

It’s not fair that they can play, and I can’t. 

“Oh, but you can.”

She whispered,

“she’s put on weight, hasn’t she! I won’t tell her that. But she looks good. She looks healthy!”… Not knowing that I was in the room next door, fully able to hear every word she was saying.

Earlier in the day I had a conversation with another woman about being vegetarian. She was quite surprised to hear that I was, informing me that I look like a “healthy” vegetarian… whatever that’s supposed to even mean. Weighty enough? Slim enough? I don’t know. I’ve seen vegetarians of every size.

The words are like bombs going off, only now, they’re a little further off into the distance. The ED voice is there, but small and unsure. It panics, saying, “oh God, you’ve put on so much weight,” and I respond, “yeah, but I’m healthy now,” and it asks me, “but, is that okay?”

And I say, “yes. Yes it is.”

i exist, alone, within myself

i seriously cannot get out of myself

i purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

it’s the only way that comes even remotely close to existing outside of myself

“We keep coming back to this meaning that I lack.”

My body is shaking and my heart is going so fast that it feels like one continuous, violent beat.

If I could just turn down the volume, slow my thoughts, I wouldn’t be half as anxious as I feel right now.

But the what-if’s have made their way into the dimensions of my mind and they bounce from wall to wall in an attempt to find their way back out.

Bounce… Echo,
Bounce… Echo –
they don’t want to be there any more than I want them there. I can hear it in their scream.

And with each breath I breed another parasitic thought, living off whatever little self-esteem I’ve left.

It’s impossible to believe in yourself when you don’t believe in yourself. I see no in-between.

Surely I am, or I’m not.
And I’m not.
And I’m not.
And I’m not.

And it’s black or it’s white, or it’s black or it’s white, and that’s all that it can be.

It began with one single thought,

that turned into my life:

“No one can hurt
me as much as I can.”

which also translates to:

“No one can hate
me as much as I do.”

And you don’t know this, but with this thought, you will never fly higher than I do.