I’m so terrified of being alone when I’m alone
And then I’m so terrified of being loved when I’m loved.
I’m always needing exactly what isn’t,
Scared of what I do have and scared of what I don’t have precisely the same amount.
Sometimes I panic that I’m never going to find the connections that I feel I need to have with people in my life. And I’m human so I do need them. It’s not that no one is around because they are. It’s not that there isn’t opportunity to connect with them because there is.
It’s that I don’t.
And that’s not because I don’t want to because I do. It’s because I’m scared; scared of the connection within the connecting.
So, people do
but I don’t,
and so the process is like watching sand slip through my fingertips over and over again.
I have it…
I had it…
Then scared of the loneliness within the aloneness, it repeats like a song stuck on replay.
“No, it’s not unusual that there are so many gaps. But usually, with time, these gaps become filled. What is unusual is that as time continues to pass, your incapability to fill in those gaps is revealed. What do you make of that?”
I think it’s hard for me fill in the gaps. It’s hard for me to fill them in for me, but especially for you. I think I’ve spent my entire life barricading the perimeters of these gaps just so they can never be filled. Not to be filled by me, and especially not by you. I think it keeps me apart from myself and from others – far, far apart – and I think that suits me well because I don’t know trust.
Are they always there?
And if they know everything now, then I never want to meet them again.