it’s not about you

this is about what i want.

and this is what i want.

right or wrong,

this is what i will do.


“Ha Ha I’m stronger than you,”

says my eating disorder to the girl at work constantly talking about diets, exercise, weight and weight loss.

I’m fed up after months and months and months and months of it. 

And while I’m sure as hell not relapsing just to spite her, it doesn’t stop my eating disorder from feeling proud that it can beat her at weight loss and pain and self-destruction.

But deep down, within my healthy mind, I know that this doesn’t make me stronger than anyone. I only become weaker for giving in to the eating disorder. 

I don’t win at all. I lose.. so much.. and already have. 


it wouldn’t matter.

i try to vanish. slowly, i disappear, and begin to fade. i push the limit sometimes, to test how far i can go before people start to notice that i’m gone. sometimes i think that it wouldn’t even matter.


everything feels right again

because i’m self-destructing.

and if this is what feels most right, then it must be what i’m supposed to do.


nothing is real

i’d go to the moon and back for anyone about anything, but i’m unworthy of a single thought or consideration. 

yeah, that seems to be the general rule of life. 

and i’ll admit that i’ve never been the best at communicating my needs or wants, which has contributed to part of the problem at times. 

but the thing is, if you have to ask someone to think of you, to consider you or to care about you on the most basic level, then is it actually genuine in the end? shouldn’t they want to to begin with?

this is what hurts me the most about the world.

 


get me out

suicide is not selfish.

what is selfish is every c#nt of a person treating every other person in the shitty ways that they do.

i’ve put myself through 27 years of unnecessary suffering (i.e. life), secretly wishing that i would find a trace of hope within human kind; trying to understand people and their horrible ways, forgiving them of them over and over again.

don’t tell me that it’s selfish that i don’t want to be part of it any longer. for the sake of who? every selfish bastard out there? what a joke.


FORGET IT.

this is exactly why i don’t let people get close. 

the pain.
the crying.
the craziness.