i try to vanish. slowly, i disappear, and begin to fade. i push the limit sometimes, to test how far i can go before people start to notice that i’m gone. sometimes i think that it wouldn’t even matter.
No, you’re not.
And I understand that you’re not lying. You don’t actually know that you can’t be here for me. You don’t know what it involves, so you’re not even aware of the monstrosity that you’re promising me right now.
Even if you knew, I could never allow you to be here for me. Because I would say things like, “I want to be dead now,” in all seriousness, and there would be absolutely nothing that you could say to me to make me feel better or want any differently, despite your best efforts.
You would feel helpless. And I would feel worse because it would only justify my feelings of hopelessness.
it told me there’s nothing to fear about death
because there will literally be nothing to fear.
and it is a comforting thought.
It’s all just gone and nothing exists to draw from. To have felt it drain from my body, like blood, now I’m cold. There’s nothing left that can be said, it’s all done with. Take me from here, I surrender.
I have just less than a year to prove myself, or just over a year to prepare myself for the seemingly inevitable.
Are they always there?
And if they know everything now, then I never want to meet them again.