I’m so terrified of being alone when I’m alone
And then I’m so terrified of being loved when I’m loved.
I’m always needing exactly what isn’t,
Scared of what I do have and scared of what I don’t have precisely the same amount.
Sometimes I panic that I’m never going to find the connections that I feel I need to have with people in my life. And I’m human so I do need them. It’s not that no one is around because they are. It’s not that there isn’t opportunity to connect with them because there is.
It’s that I don’t.
And that’s not because I don’t want to because I do. It’s because I’m scared; scared of the connection within the connecting.
So, people do
but I don’t,
and so the process is like watching sand slip through my fingertips over and over again.
I have it…
I had it…
Then scared of the loneliness within the aloneness, it repeats like a song stuck on replay.