Pushing you away

because it hurts like you can’t understand.

But you shouldn’t ever have to try.


yellow bird

today i feel empty

and lonely

and unhappy.


i wait for a yellow bird.

i’ll be okay.

Dear Dad, Part III: I love you, I hate you

Fuck you, I hate you.

No! I’m so sorry. I don’t mean that. I love you and thank you.

Wait… for fucking what? Absolutely nothing.

Goddamnit! I don’t know what I’m trying to say to you. I guess you’ve fucked me up real good.

With love and hate,
Withering Tulip

“Because you finally understand the movement of a hand waving you goodbye.”

I’m so terrified of being alone when I’m alone
And then I’m so terrified of being loved when I’m loved.
I’m always needing exactly what isn’t,
Scared of what I do have and scared of what I don’t have precisely the same amount.

Sometimes I panic that I’m never going to find the connections that I feel I need to have with people in my life. And I’m human so I do need them. It’s not that no one is around because they are. It’s not that there isn’t opportunity to connect with them because there is.

It’s that I don’t.

And that’s not because I don’t want to because I do. It’s because I’m scared; scared of the connection within the connecting.

So, people do
but I don’t,
and so the process is like watching sand slip through my fingertips over and over again.

I have it…
I had it…
It’s gone.

Then scared of the loneliness within the aloneness, it repeats like a song stuck on replay.

I am the ducking Fevil

Hate hate hate hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehhhhhhhhhhh. Anger so loud and strong and big and    L   O       N        G. And then nice. Something ever so lovely and nice. Love love lovelovelovelovelovelove? Maybe not love. Maybe not hate either.