“Ha Ha I’m stronger than you,”

says my eating disorder to the girl at work constantly talking about diets, exercise, weight and weight loss.

I’m fed up after months and months and months and months of it. 

And while I’m sure as hell not relapsing just to spite her, it doesn’t stop my eating disorder from feeling proud that it can beat her at weight loss and pain and self-destruction.

But deep down, within my healthy mind, I know that this doesn’t make me stronger than anyone. I only become weaker for giving in to the eating disorder. 

I don’t win at all. I lose.. so much.. and already have. 


Pushing you away

because it hurts like you can’t understand.

But you shouldn’t ever have to try.

She whispered,

“she’s put on weight, hasn’t she! I won’t tell her that. But she looks good. She looks healthy!”… Not knowing that I was in the room next door, fully able to hear every word she was saying.

Earlier in the day I had a conversation with another woman about being vegetarian. She was quite surprised to hear that I was, informing me that I look like a “healthy” vegetarian… whatever that’s supposed to even mean. Weighty enough? Slim enough? I don’t know. I’ve seen vegetarians of every size.

The words are like bombs going off, only now, they’re a little further off into the distance. The ED voice is there, but small and unsure. It panics, saying, “oh God, you’ve put on so much weight,” and I respond, “yeah, but I’m healthy now,” and it asks me, “but, is that okay?”

And I say, “yes. Yes it is.”

i exist, alone, within myself

i seriously cannot get out of myself

i purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

it’s the only way that comes even remotely close to existing outside of myself

To be stagnant.

Time around me is ticking and tocking, but the time within me has stopped. I am frozen within a single, chaotic frame of time.

I always imagined stagnancy to be tranquil, but it seems that I was so wrong. I am suspended in a fixed state of turbulence.

I…. I…..
Never mind.

No, go on. Finish your thought.

But I already did.

“So I can feel happier. To be safe up here with you.”

My swiss cheese trust

“No, it’s not unusual that there are so many gaps. But usually, with time, these gaps become filled. What is unusual is that as time continues to pass, your incapability to fill in those gaps is revealed. What do you make of that?”

I think it’s hard for me fill in the gaps. It’s hard for me to fill them in for me, but especially for you. I think I’ve spent my entire life barricading the perimeters of these gaps just so they can never be filled. Not to be filled by me, and especially not by you. I think it keeps me apart from myself and from others – far, far apart – and I think that suits me well because I don’t know trust.