Dear dad , Part IV: Will you regret that you haven’t bothered?

When I walk in the door, you only ever greet me with a frown or a grunt. I don’t think you have ever asked me how I am or how my day was.

You don’t know what I do in my life and you show literally zero interest to want to know. I refuse to include you in my life because it’s nothing but pain, criticism, negativity, disregard and disrespect.

After all these years of abuse that has ultimately lead to you being excluded from the love and care within the rest of our family, you still play the victim and can’t admit that this is the result of your own disgraceful and inhumane behaviour towards your own family.

I wish I had had a positive, male role model in my life that I could have looked up to, but to tell you the truth, the only things that you have taught me are: to never, ever end up remotely similar to you; and to fear settling with a man who would make me as miserable as you have made my Mum. I will never forgive you for the way that you’ve broken her; the most important, most selfless person in my life. And I will never forgive you for forever shaking my trust in humankind.

So now I move on in my life to a stage where I can physically cut you from my world and when I’m gone I can’t even imagine wondering about you. The thought makes me feel slightly sad, but I have to remind myself that relationships don’t go one-way, and if you cared enough about me, you would have made the effort to make amends while I was around. I do wonder if you will regret that, though.

I feel relief that I won’t be around you, but I know that the scars and painful memories will always be there.

WitheringTulip


nothing is real

i’d go to the moon and back for anyone about anything, but i’m unworthy of a single thought or consideration. 

yeah, that seems to be the general rule of life. 

and i’ll admit that i’ve never been the best at communicating my needs or wants, which has contributed to part of the problem at times. 

but the thing is, if you have to ask someone to think of you, to consider you or to care about you on the most basic level, then is it actually genuine in the end? shouldn’t they want to to begin with?

this is what hurts me the most about the world.

 


They just watched me break

“There was always something so fragile yet impenetrable about you…”

Everybody always knew, or the very least, suspected that something wasn’t right.

Nobody ever did a thing about it to help. They just watched me break.

 

And now that my wings are broken, I’m still expected to fly.


it spoke to me

it told me there’s nothing to fear about death
because there will literally be nothing to fear.

and it is a comforting thought.


i exist, alone, within myself

i seriously cannot get out of myself

i purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

and purge

it’s the only way that comes even remotely close to existing outside of myself


It began with one single thought,

that turned into my life:

“No one can hurt
me as much as I can.”

which also translates to:

“No one can hate
me as much as I do.”

And you don’t know this, but with this thought, you will never fly higher than I do.


choice.

should i?
yes.

should i?
no.

should i?
yes.
no.
yes.
no.

i don’t know.

choice is torture.
i never knew it, so please don’t start throwing it at me now.
choice is a time bomb.
time is ticking and no decision is nearing.

don’t ask me.
just do.
with every inch of my distrust, i completely trust you to choose for me,
and that’s more than i can say for myself.

don’t be afraid you will do me wrong.
i have been so wronged for so long
that i am numb to your consequence.
just don’t leave me without one to create one for myself.

so please, just choose.