Dear dad , Part IV: Will you regret that you haven’t bothered?

When I walk in the door, you only ever greet me with a frown or a grunt. I don’t think you have ever asked me how I am or how my day was.

You don’t know what I do in my life and you show literally zero interest to want to know. I refuse to include you in my life because it’s nothing but pain, criticism, negativity, disregard and disrespect.

After all these years of abuse that has ultimately lead to you being excluded from the love and care within the rest of our family, you still play the victim and can’t admit that this is the result of your own disgraceful and inhumane behaviour towards your own family.

I wish I had had a positive, male role model in my life that I could have looked up to, but to tell you the truth, the only things that you have taught me are: to never, ever end up remotely similar to you; and to fear settling with a man who would make me as miserable as you have made my Mum. I will never forgive you for the way that you’ve broken her; the most important, most selfless person in my life. And I will never forgive you for forever shaking my trust in humankind.

So now I move on in my life to a stage where I can physically cut you from my world and when I’m gone I can’t even imagine wondering about you. The thought makes me feel slightly sad, but I have to remind myself that relationships don’t go one-way, and if you cared enough about me, you would have made the effort to make amends while I was around. I do wonder if you will regret that, though.

I feel relief that I won’t be around you, but I know that the scars and painful memories will always be there.

WitheringTulip

Advertisements

“how did you get your scars?”

“no comment.”

how do you explain that to someone who can’t possibly understand? that shit gets so loud and crazy, and the only way to make it stop is to hurt yourself. because sometimes voices will tell you that you must. and because other times you choose to, just to distract yourself from all the noise. how do you explain that hurting yourself is your only way to be calm?

he wouldn’t get it.

SHE doesn’t even get it, “but why must you do it? what if you don’t?”

“i CAN’T not.”

“but why?”

“it terrifies me to even think about it. they can kill me. don’t you understand?”

“only if you let them. so what if you don’t?”

then i spend a lifetime being tortured. that’s what. and i end up completely losing my mind and killing myself just to get away from it all. that’s what.

that’s how i get my scars.