goddamn hypocrite

don't you dare tell me to love myself
when you can’t even love me yourself.

“Ha Ha I’m stronger than you,”

says my eating disorder to the girl at work constantly talking about diets, exercise, weight and weight loss.

I’m fed up after months and months and months and months of it. 

And while I’m sure as hell not relapsing just to spite her, it doesn’t stop my eating disorder from feeling proud that it can beat her at weight loss and pain and self-destruction.

But deep down, within my healthy mind, I know that this doesn’t make me stronger than anyone. I only become weaker for giving in to the eating disorder. 

I don’t win at all. I lose.. so much.. and already have. 

everything feels right again

because i’m self-destructing.

and if this is what feels most right, then it must be what i’m supposed to do.

Watching it all slip through my fingers

and helping the process along. 

Because it feels right.

It really does.