To be stagnant.
Posted: Wednesday, August 29th, 2012 Filed under: Life | Tags: Chaos, Depression, Disorder, Dissociation, Empty thoughts, Frozen, Mental Health, Stagnancy, Time 3 CommentsTime around me is ticking and tocking, but the time within me has stopped. I am frozen within a single, chaotic frame of time.
I always imagined stagnancy to be tranquil, but it seems that I was so wrong. I am suspended in a fixed state of turbulence.
I…
I…. I…..
Never mind.
No, go on. Finish your thought.
But I already did.
Caught Between the Nexus of Real and Unreal
Posted: Saturday, August 11th, 2012 Filed under: dissociation, Life, Mental Health | Tags: Colour, Dimensions, Dissociation, Existence, Life, Real, Sound, Time, Unreal, Who am I? 3 CommentsIt feels like purgatory.
I exist, physically, within the real dimensions of life, yet also within a warped dimension of my mind. The physics of each contradict each other: time is out of sync, light and colours are inverted, sounds bounce and feelings get misplaced.
Where am I?
I’m here. I’m there. I’m nowhere. I’m everywhere.
All, precisely simultaneously.
Too much to need to cover.
I’m not enough.
Empty spaces needing to be filled.
I’ve exhausted ability to fill them.
Not enough to contain me.
I spill over.
But where do my remainders go?
I penetrate boundaries, trespassing into the prohibited.
Unsure of the possibility.
All the while, certainly living within impossibility.
I exist…
I don’t.
Chasing time
Posted: Thursday, July 19th, 2012 Filed under: Anxiety, Life | Tags: Anxiety, Expectations, Future, In the moment, Life, Past, Present, Shoulds, The now, Time 1 CommentYou should…
You should…
You should…
But you don’t
and you won’t.
‘Now’ is back then and ahead, but never actually ‘now’. Now is never enough and it’s all too much to think about the discrepancy between how it is and how it should be. And time isn’t kind, and time doesn’t stop, and time doesn’t give you that chance to catch up. It runs away, chasing the future, ahead and further afar.
I lack the endurance to go the distance. To always be running through the past to get to the present which leads into the future. And they say that you shouldn’t anyway – that you should focus on the present and always be in the moment, but my now is where I’ve become stuck in my past and there’s no way to teleport myself from where I am today to where I should be but am not.
I run…
I run…
I run…
Never fast enough to catch up
forever behind time.
When I look into the future I can only see the present
Posted: Monday, June 18th, 2012 Filed under: Borderline personality disorder, Depression, eating disorder, Emotions, Life, Mental Health, Recovery | Tags: Anxiety, BPD, Changes, Delusions, Depression, Eating disorder, ED, Fantasy World, Fate, Hopelessness, Real World, Time, What I am, Where I am, Who I am 4 CommentsWhat is it when you can’t see anything different for yourself for the future? They’ve told me that it’s ‘helplessness’, but is it necessarily? It’s not merely ‘hopelessness’ if it’s actually truth, is it? What if what I’m foreseeing for myself is actually fate? An inevitable, uncontrollable fate?
I’m somewhat removed from reality a lot of the time. I live a life in a delusional world in my head and then I project those delusions into the real world. Sometimes it almost feels as though I walk another dimension apart from everyone else. But I know reality well enough – I’ve touched it and visited it at times, enough, to know that where I am and where I need to be; that who I am and who I need to be; that what I do and what I need to do are places that are poles apart – a travel from one to the other that requires efforts so vast and an eternity in time.
Sometimes when I do the calculations in my head, I’m forced to realise that I don’t actually have the time or the energy to make it to where I need to be. As in, I don’t have the years left in my life to become who/what/where I need to be, nor do I have the fuel to get their.
What do I do? Do I go on even while knowing this? I just can’t bear this forever.
witheringtulip 